FELT LIKE SELF TORTURE

Oh ye creative juices,flowww!!

I’m starting to write this without a suitable title which has never happened before. I usually write a title first to keep me on track with what I want to talk about. Anyways,…

The just completed semester of my school year was one of a kind. Why? Was it my favorite semester so far? Hell, No! In the last semester, I went into self-isolation for a full month, I cried, I considered stopping school, and I felt lost yet I took the exams and I look forward to the next semester. I want to talk about the exams today.

I wasn’t myself until a few weeks before the exams and until a few days before the exams, I was struggling to get fully stabilized. The exams finally came like it didn’t care if I was ready for it or not. Sincerely, I've never been indulged in any exam like the last one I finished. It started with me thinking of ways to postpone the exams. I decided to clear my head of those thoughts not even because the exam date has been decided and could not be altered by me was a fact but because anything can still happen to hinder my getting fully ready even if given a thousand more years to get prepared. I fastened my belt and got ready for the ride.

I focused on only what my lecturers gave in class and what they asked us to study instead of studying extra far and wide like I’d normally do. Once, I got interested in a concept and wanted to read more about it but I still had a lot to cover from classwork, there was no time to read what I wanted. 

It wasn’t even very easy studying just classwork. I spent nights without sleep and paid less attention to every other aspect of my life. I sat for the first few papers and it wasn’t too bad. 

At a time, I got tired but the thought of sitting for an exam with no clue whatsoever of what to write was scary. I had to keep going. I started to get tired and sleepy more frequently but I fought back viciously. I reminded myself that my results wouldn’t look good if I give up now, I thought about Harry Potter's Hermione Granger from time to time, I constantly reminded myself that the exams wouldn’t last forever which means I can rest for as long as I want to when it’s finally over, I’d usually study in my room but I'd go to classrooms from time to time just so to see other people studying and get motivated. This was not always effective, most people chatted away and ate snacks instead of studying. Sometimes, I stare for minutes before finding that person by the corner all engrossed in studying to motivate my study spirit. 

When I really cannot help dozing off, I allow my body some rest for an hour or two. I never slept for more than two hours and I did it without alarms. I don’t know how it all happened. I stopped making use of my alarms after I found out it was not helping me wake up when I want. I keep hitting the snooze button and sometimes ignore it completely. I decided to try will power and it worked like magic. I guess my body understood what I was going through and decided to offer its help. 

Then came the problem of staying awake after rising from my short sleep. I'd wake up and stumble out of the door to an open space outside of the house where I’d listen to music keenly, paying very close attention to its lyrics like I was learning it or do little exercises just to keep my eyes open and my body active.

When my head gets all clouded and my brain is refusing to take in any more information, I watch a bit of K-dramas or speak with this friend to destress then back to studying. During the period of the exams, I got anxious often and was always speaking to myself for reassurance. I finally completed the exams and life's become a little less hard.

I still can’t think of a suitable title for this but that’s my story, regardless.

Other things I wrote:https://purple-pours.blogspot.com/2023/05/i-hate-to-think.html