A SUICIDAL DAY IN MY LIFE

~Waking up with a feeling of “something will go wrong” in your stomach, going ahead with the day normally while trying to ignore that inside feeling, wishing you had misread your body signs, perhaps it’s just a reaction of your stomach to the junk you had last night then it hits you, those couple of hours that lead you to thinking the way out of everything is disappearance from life, from everything~

On a chilly Tuesday morning, I woke up so disoriented and worse, with a headache. Everything felt so distant, my body felt like not mine. I could really do with spending more time in bed but I had to catch up with a registration deadline and already made plans to meet up with Tina at 8:30am. My get-up-from-bed in the mornings aren’t always great, maybe this is one of those mornings, I thought to myself in a vain attempt to boost my emotions. Throughout the rest of the day, my thoughts kept wandering off. What if I’m not able to prepare well before the exams come, what if my salt allergy worsens, aren’t I old enough to be independent, I don’t think I eat right, am I really special, I don’t think I’ve achieved anything, how do I deal with my procrastination problems, how am I not as smart as that person, will my monthly allowance be enough to take me through the next month, why do I have no friends, what if the good times never come, fears and insecurities. My head stays clouded with thoughts and my anxiety rides straight up. Is life really worth living like this. My life is too hard, I’m tired.

I’m sitting on the floor of the bathroom completely numb. I never remember all the times I’d survived hard days or any of my beautiful accomplishments, I forget entirely how strong I’ve been and how far I’ve come. The tears keeps pouring as the urge to “end it” gets stronger.

This morning, I had woken up with the bottle of death pills still in my hand and my face dry and white from the tears of last night.